i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
