Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
