we're chasing vodka with high fives
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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