I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm sobbing to NWA
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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