so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
