put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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