opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
