I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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