Pappa wants mamma naked
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
