i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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