Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Randomize
