I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just gift wrapped bread.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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