Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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