She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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