Im at strip club and am horny
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
