After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
