No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
