You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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