you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
