can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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