Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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