he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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