If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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