I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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