My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
