nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
