Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
3 2 1 whiskey
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
