This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
