if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
