So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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