hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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