um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
