whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
