i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
