I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
