Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
