Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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