and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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