she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
