My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
