From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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