OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
