sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
