no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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