Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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