You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
