Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
