Duck Duck Cougar?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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