The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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