Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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