hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dignity is for republicans.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
