I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
