6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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