arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
