I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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