We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
