I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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