I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
