It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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