so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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