I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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