I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
